23 June 2011

I’m going to Guatemala in 15 days. I am incredibly scared. I taught Spanish lessons to the people that are going on the trip and they think I have credibility. I haven’t actually spoken Spanish since the AP test which was May 3rd. This wouldn’t be that big of a deal if all these people didn’t think I was fluent which I am NOT. I can barely speak it. If you want me to read it or write it I will do fine but they think I will be some sort of a translator. I am really afraid I will go and just forget everything. But my biggest fear is that I won’t be able to understand the natives. It will be incredibly embarrassing considering Spanish is basically what I want to do with my life. I feel like I need more time, more classes, more practice. I need to immerse myself… just not like this; not with 30 people going with me. My heart was never really into this trip in the first place which I feel guilty about. When I told the youth pastor I wasn’t going he looked at me like I was some sort of freak of nature. And my parents told me it would be a fabulous experience. I was praying about and God didn’t give me an answer. It was time to make the first payment so I just went with what everyone was telling me… “It will be a wonderful experience.” “You will be able to use your gift.”  And now I really regret it. The worst part is that the church is paying for half of my trip because I taught Spanish. And a family friend is going and she wrote letters to friends and family asking for money to go and she got so much that she is paying the other half of my trip. So, I feel so guilty. 

Not to mention I am incredibly scared to be going out the country alone. I am not close with any of the adults that are going either. Or ANY of the people in general (which completely sucks by the way.) And there is like huge amounts of organ harvesting that goes on there.